Joke of the day.

[jibiko]

[jibiko]

[Firkinelle]

A woman buys a wall mirror from A Mart, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' She said no 'but I'd suck your c**k for a lawn mower'.

Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual s*x........... Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '

[Firkinelle]

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'

[jibiko]

_______

[Firkinelle]

In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and
living off the state for free occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.

And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.
They miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

The Mayor of London , when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The chief fire officer quietly replied:-





"They were at work."

[jibiko]

The Three Stooges

[Firkinelle]

Paddy went into the shop to complain.

"I've been ringing you all day but I haven't been able to get through"

"What number have you dialled?" the assistant asked.

"The number in your window 0800 1750" replied Paddy.

"Sir they are our opening hours" the assistant told him

[Firkinelle]

Baby's' First Doctor Visit




A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.





The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.


'Breast-fed,' she replied.


'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.


She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very Professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,


'No wonder this baby is underweight.

'You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!!!!!!

[pelican]

Wife: Give me some money. I want to
buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

[Boo]

David Cameron has only been in power a few hours and he's already made a Scottish family unemployed and homeless.

[Boo]

Kids are quick

___________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

[pelican]

A man thinks he'll be charitable and says to a
homeless man, "Paint my porch out back, and I'll give you $100".
Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the door and says, "I'm
all done. By the way, it's a Mercedes."

[Boo]

Which side of the road do you drive on?

http://tv.muxlim.com/video/oQK13UM3YzI/hold-your-plums-wasy-question-about-left-hand-drive/

[jibiko]