Geek News 24

[The Geek]

News flash -- Celebrations turn to riots in Hammersmith.

A press release by Darth Mavies, managaing director of BetFleece PLC today had people celebrating in the streets of Hammersmith.

The statement released this morning on the much controversial "Premier Tax" read...

"We will consider our position. It is fairly clearly discriminatory against the biggest and most competitive online operators in Europe. It is a slap in the face for the consumer."

This afternoon however, the BetFleece PRopoganda department issued a retraction saying "Ooops sorry, that was the press release for the new French law thingy. The Premier Tax announcement is just an even bigger slap in the face for the consumer I'm afraid."

The mood turned from joy to riots in Hammersmith this afternoon, and Prime Minister Gordon Blair decalred a state of emergency.



More groundbreaking stories from Geek News24 as they arrive.

[PFY]

Press release from ST boss Toad manages to confirm our local correspondent's report on API timescales.

In an apparent break with common sense, ST's own department of tenuous extrapolation have whipped out the slide-rules and made a prediction for a return to normality. Let's hope their maths bod is good for it, as a failure to meet this target may spark civil unrest and harsh language.

[The Geek]

Financial News -- Weekly Roundup

Total carnage reined on the FTSE this week, as the embattled Software giant, Scumbag Traders PLC continued it's rollercoaster decline from it's 2 year high reached on the 29th September. In just 9 trading days, Scumbags price dropped from 1p to 0.000000001p, the biggest 10 day decline on a share ever recorded. Rumours are circling this weekend about whether the company needs to be nationalised, as it is desperately trying to survive the worst server crunch since the great depression of 2007.

Others in the sector benefited from Scumbags misfortune, wit Fairybot PLC registering up 15% at 42p. BetWeasel PLC had a very good start to the week, but due to a couple of minor catastrophes of it's own, finished down 2p & 35p

The real winner in the sector this week though was Gross Software PLC, whose share price was up 50% to 15p. MD Gary Evil was unavailable for comment, though company spokesperson MiniMark claimed the company was well on it's way to making a hundred billion dollars this year.

In the waste management sector, Biffa PLC saw most of its early gains wiped out this week, due to insolvency fears of one of its major clients.

[Leonthefixer]

Classic thread!

[The Geek]

Newsflash -- Maltese Economy in Recession

In European news, the Maltase Economy went into recession for the first time in 20 years today. Mike Hunt, analyst for Bank of Malta said he believed the final tipping point into the recession was the mass redundancies at media giant Fleecestorm radio, the countries largest employer. A secondary factor was that British Expats were only spending a fraction of what they were last month on luxury goods & services.

Mr Hunt also commented that he expected the recession to be a long & painful one, taking the country many months or maybe years to recover.

Sillios Sodos, Maltese finanace minister said... "The weakness of sterling coupled with one or 2 stock market catastrophes means the Brits over here just don't have the money to spare."


More groundbreaking stories from Geek News24 as they arrive.

[The Geek]

News Flash -- Is BetRaider Amateur dead?

A story coming in from the Scumbag newswire suggests that Scumbag Traders flagship product "BetRaider Amateur" is as dead as a Dodo.

Founder, Adam Toad was today quoted saying "it's starting to look like we won't be able to get it up and running I'm afraid ". Trading Standards today issued a statement saying "If you have paid ST for "BetRaider Amateur" and it looks like they will no longer be providing this service, you should contact scumbags for an immediate refund."

In other news ST's announced changes to it's flagging product Nickolution, saying that the next rushed release will be 30% more bandwidth efficient.
A spokesman for Witch Magazine said, "Those on download caps should avoid this gigabyte sucking monster like the plague. If you have a 20gb download allowance, it will still be sucking it all up in 4 days if you trade the evening Gee Gees / Footie too."

More groundbreaking stories from Geek News24 as they arrive.

[The Geek]

Newsflash - Tradergeddon goes global!




More groundbreaking stories from Geek News24 they arrive.

[The Geek]

Newsflash -- Scumbag Traders PLC Announces an Announcement

Amidst massive signs of discontent by it's long suffering customers getting very angry about being treated like mushrooms, Scumbag Traders PLC today announced an announcement in the hope of staving off a full scale civil war.

Our onsite correspondant was last heard shouting "It's Traddergeddon over here" before being consigned to never never land in a hot flash.

In other News, Scumbags announced "We will be taking steps soon to limit the signal-to-noise ratio on the forum." Missing any further info on this new secret weapon, our Australian correspondant added "If history is anything to go by, they will simply shut it down. They could always consign all the dissenters to Never Never Land, but that is just a long winded way of shutting it down."


More groundbreaking stories from Geek News24 as they arrive.

[The Geek]

Newsflash -- Heavy mob brought in to quell revolt.

Scumbag Traders PLC today brought in a new Totalitarian customer service director to quell the riots on it's forums. In a new twist in customer service techniques, it seems condescending sarcasm & "like it or lump it" is the new strategy being adopted to turn angry customers into happy ones. New customer services director ColonelPanik was today using the classic quotes...

"Hold on, I'm getting into my time machine. I'll go to tomorrow afternoon and find out what Betfair and our server guy tell us, and I'll come back and tell you."

"When pecodk wants to calm down and start asking questions in a civil manner, then he'll receive civil responses. But if he wants to play dumb, he'll receive a dumb response. Meanwhile he's just wasting my time."

When asked to quote on this dramatic change in customer service focus, a Scumbags spokesman said... "It worked for the Chinese in Tiananmen Square, so we thought we'd try it here. At least they can't moan that we're not talking to them anymore."


More groundbreaking stories from Geek News24 as they arrive.

[Knight Rider]

....yeah ...i'm not sure on who this mystery Colonel Panik character might be..........




...........got the candlestick and billiard room in no time though

[The Geek]

I think he needs demoting to Major to reflect the general mood over there.

[The Geek]

Newsflash -- Todger PLC in legal row with Rapidshare

Today, Todger PLC initiated a copyright law suit against file sharing giant Rapidshare for hosting a free copy of their blockbuster title easyblagger2.

A spokesman for Todger PLC said "I would have sold 4000 eBooks if it wasn't for you drongos"

http://rs26.rapidshare.com/files/276513322/estapr2.rar

In other news today, customers of Scumbag Traders PLC are on the edge of their seats in anticipation of today's much-publicised announcement. A Geek news source who wishes to remain anonymous said "I expect them to announce BTA is dead as a dodo. The server guy wrote in his suicide note 10 days ago that it wasn't so simples"


More groundbreaking stories from Geek News24 as they arrive.

[The Geek]

News Flash -- Scumbags in Legal Battle with Royal eMail

Today, Scumbag Traders PLC said it was initiating legal proceedings against Royal eMail for losing every single item of yesterdays much publicised & announced announcement.

In yet another customer service catastrophe for Scumbags, battle weary customers didn't even have the energy to get angry this morning. The few that could muster up a little sarcasm were put down imeediatly by the chief spokesanimal with customer focused comments like "You guys are taking the piss." and "Stop stirring up shit and wait until the release and testing and then you will get a statement." and "At the moment you are just whining schoolgirls."

When asked to comment, a scumbags customer said, "I reckon ST knew BTA was as dead as a dodo 2 weeks ago, they just strung us out in the hope they wouldn't have to refund us when Nicko came along."

In other news, US software giant Micorshaft Inc initiated legal proceedings against BetWeasel PLC yesterday, when they discovered BetWeasel founder & self proclaimed mathematical genius Porky Webb was using "Non-Commercial" versions of it's software for a commercial presentation yesterday.



More groundbreaking stories from Geek News24 as they arrive.

[Knight Rider]

Dude hah hah hah hah nice still I never seen shergar on pants lol

......some fashion news now ......

......and continuing their policy of choosing a famous horse to promote their seasonal range , Jockey Shorts LTD unveil their Winter 2009 signing......





......Mr Traderman continues his role as the companies model for the picture on the top right of the item

[Knight Rider]

Whining schoolgirls......

Geek News has just this minute tracked down one of said whining schoolgirls. Molly Roberts , aged 5 has not left had her bedroom for 2 weeks in a clear and defiant protest at the way she has been treated over at ST. "It is a most troubling time for us" said her mum ,"without the server up and running she is unable to trade the nags after school which unfortunately means her pocket money levels have dropped significantly. It has got to the point where not only is Molly refusing to talk to us but she will only eat her food if we put it through a specially made hatch in the wall ".






....worrying times i'm sure you would agree..............the mental welfare of future generations is at stake here