Joke of the day.

[Quo]

A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.

Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?

[refer80]

paddy on who wants to be a millionare."for £200" says tarrant "who was the great train robber? A) RONNIE BARKER B)RONNIE CORBETT C)RONNIE WOOD OR D)RONNIE BIGGS?"paddy says "iv had a great day chris but im guna take the money" "r u thick?"says tarrant "uv still got 3 lifelines left!" i might be thick chris but im no ****in grass.

[Quo]

Timing Is Everything

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

[Knight Rider]

Puddles the duck walks into a bar and says to the barman "Have you got any lemons ?"

"No I haven't" says the barman , so Puddles walks out .

The next day Puddles walks into the bar and says to the barman "Have you got any lemons ?"

Again the barman replies "No I haven't" so again Puddles walks out .

The next day Puddles walks into the bar and again says to the barman "Have you got any lemons ?"

The barman is getting a bit annoyed now and says to Puddles "Look d*ckhead , ask if I've got any lemons again and I'm gonna nail your bill to this counter !!" . Puddles , looking shocked , quickly walks out .

The next day Puddles walks into the bar and says to the glowering barman "Have you got any nails ?"

"No!" , says the barman .

"Oh" , says Puddles , "Have you got any lemons ?"

[Knight Rider]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf
replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him
the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the
owner
picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth....
can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the
dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth.' he says
'Now...can I see
her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and
shoves his head deep inside the horses **** . He holds him there
for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:



Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"

[Quo]

Looooooooooooooooool

[Quo]

What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A tourist.

[jibiko]

(Jeff Dunham & Achmed on stage)


Achmed: Two Jews walking in bar...
Jeff Duncham: No, No...
Achm: What?...
JD: No...
Achm: What? You don't like Jews in your bar?
You racist bastard
JD: What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act
Achm: Ah, ok, how about if I kill the Jews?
JD: No
Achm: I am kidding, I wouldn't kill the Jews, No,
I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death...
Yes, Yes, I did the same thing with two catholic priests but I tossed in a small boy

(time 05:50 / 06:30) of this funny 10min video on stage

[PFY]

[QUOTE=jibiko;9013](Jeff Dunham & Achmed on stage)
/QUOTE]

Silence! I keel you.

[johnsmith]

there were 2 goldfish in a tank

one says to the other ....do you know how to drive this phucker

[Ted]

Murphy says to Paddy ''why do you keep an empty milk bottle in your fridge'' ?

Paddy says to Murphy '' it's in case anyone asks for a black coffee''........

[TheSurgeon]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mum to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mum comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt..

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten!

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"NO WAY!," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mum told me so."
"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T HAVE ANY TEETH DOWN THERE"

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

[nigelbleddfa]

Farmer Jones wanted to buy his neighbour's cow, but on enquiring the price he was shocked to learn it was £50.

"What", he protested, "here I am, your friend and neighbour, and you ask a price like that?"

"I'll tell you what", replied the other farmer, "seeing you are my neighbour I'll give you 20% discount."

Now Farmer Jones was not much of a scholar and he wasn't quite sure what this meant so he said "I'll think about it."

He went off down the road and was still trying to figure it out when he saw the local school-mistress coming towards him on her bicycle. He beckoned her to stop and said

"Now tell me, Miss Pugh, if I were to offer you £50, less 20% discount, what would you take off?"

Miss Pugh thought for a moment and then declared "Everything, except my ear-rings."

[Quo]

How smart is your right foot?

Not actually a joke, but it's damn frustrating for control freaks like most traders are, yes..... YOU LOT !






(Sorry, if it's an oldie, I hadn't seen it before)

[kingsley]

Christmas in Scotland

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer the father says. We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. Like hell they're getting divorced! she shouts, I'll take care of this!

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way