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Jeff Schweffe here for Geek...News24
Scumbag Traders have stated that they are angered by accusations they are ill treating their subscribers.
A spokesman for ST PLC said earlier today :
"We treat all customers with impartiality and without discrimination. All our customers are treated equally."
- Mr. Dim Fat, head of Customer Support and junior programmer for Scumbag Traders PLC
But one irate customer, Mr Jiminy Holler is fond of shouting at people and has even made a career out it. He has stepped forward to add his name to the growing list of unsatisfied customers.
"I feel like a right bloody chump! I really do!" he shouted.
Why do you feel like a chump, Mr Holler?
"If I think a person is a chump, I'll bloody well call 'em a chump! I can shout louder than anyone on the telly any day of the week. And I only shout when I think someone is acting like a chump! But this flaming company really takes the biscuit! Now it's me who feels like a chump! They've bloody well taken me and my money for a right old ride! And if I could get the lot of 'em in my TV studio they wouldn't stand a bloody chance! I'd shout so loud at them they'd be deaf in minutes!"
And what exactly would you shout at them?
"That's easy! I'd tell 'em I'm successful, off the pop, and - most importantly - I'm not a bloody stupid chump!"
(Jiminy Holler holds up his hands to the camera reveaing eight stumps and two thumbs)
"Look at these hands! Look at 'em! I used to have ten fingers! Now I've got eight knuckles and two thumbs with all the bloody emails I've hammered out!
Take it easy Mr Holler and try to stop shouting. You're likely to bust a blood vessel ---.
Thousands, I mean literally thousands of bloody emails and a phone bill longer than the Great bloody Wall of China! And no answer! No refund! Frig all!
Please refrain from swearing, Mr Holler. This is a family show!
"Good! The bigger the family, the more people will hear me!"
I must ask you not to swear ---
"Piss off, Jeff, and don't interrupt me when I'm hollering! One of the scumbags who works for ST PLC sent me an empty cereal box and had stuck his own label on it! You know what it said?!"
No. What?
"Breakfast Of Chumpions! Chumpions! Can you believe that?! Ha bloody ha! They think I'm a joke!"
What makes you so sure it was an employee of ST PLC, Mr Holler?
"Oh come on, Jeff! It's obvious it had to be some thick chump who'd appeared on my TV show and wanted to get even for being hollered at! So I got my research team to do some digging and we came up with a name. The thick chump had written his address on the back of the parcel!"
We're running out of time, Mr Holler ---
"No wait! Wait, Jeff! Lemme show you something ---!"
---we're almost out of time, Mr Holler ---
"Waaaaiiiiit! It'll only take a sec'! Look at this picture --- !"
--- Really, Mr Holler, we have to wind this up ---
"---Look! Look! See?! This is me before I got involved with Scumbags!
What's your point, Mr Holler?
"I'm coming to that! Look at my picture here! I look like any psychologically well balanced guy who you could trust your kids with and who wouldn't say boo to a goose, right?!"
Well, I suppose ---
"Just your average Jiminy with the haircut of a ten year old, right?"
Can you make your point --- ?
"Then one morning I go into the kitchen for my corn flakes and orange juice and my wife and kids start screaming!"
Why did they do that, Mr Holler?
"Every picture tells a story, Jeff!... Here!... Feast your beady eyes on this and tell me what's wrong with this picture!"
HOLY sh--!
"Eeeeexactly, Jeff! That's what my four year old screamed!
You look awful!
"Scumbags reduced me to that, Jeff! I know I'm no oil painting, but does this look like the face of a psychologically well balanced guy you could trust your kids with and who wouldn't say boo to a goose?!"
Well, it's not exactly a flattering photo, Mr Holler.
"No, it isn't! More like The Portrait Of Dorian Jiminy!...Anyway, to cut a long story sideways, my wife packs the bags, grabs the kids and screams she won't come back 'til I get myself straightened out! ... She meant my ugly mug of course!"
So I gathered.
"Lucky for me I had a counselling and support team at the studio who I employ for straightening out the chump guests who appear! The support team and behavioral psychologists had me fit and back to my old self in next to no time!"
It's been interesting to hear your point of view, Mr Holler, but we must end this interview.
"Thanks, Jeff, for allowing me the opportunity to do what I do best ... holler at people, especially stupid fat chumps! I'd like to shake your hand but it's extremely awkward when you've only got four knuckles and a thumb!"
(Jiminy Holler presses four knuckles and a thumb against his forehead)
"I've had it up to here with Scumbags!"
Any final words before we end this news report, Mr Holler?
"Yes!...I've had plenty of time and experience strengthening my vocal cords by yelling in my TV studio at bloody stupid, fat chumps! I'm going to keep shouting at Toad and his toadies that I'm no chump like the rest of the chumps who they took for a ride! You rip-off merchants have picked on the wrong chump! Not that I'm a chump! Look at me! Do I look stupid?! Do I look like I've got chump written all over me?! You're not going to rubber stamp me the way you have with the rest of the chumps!"
That was Mr Jiminy Holler.
And I'm Jeff Schweffe for Geek...News24.
And now for a more gentle, quieter piece of news ...
Scumbag Traders have stated that they are angered by accusations they are ill treating their subscribers.
A spokesman for ST PLC said earlier today :
"We treat all customers with impartiality and without discrimination. All our customers are treated equally."
- Mr. Dim Fat, head of Customer Support and junior programmer for Scumbag Traders PLC
But one irate customer, Mr Jiminy Holler is fond of shouting at people and has even made a career out it. He has stepped forward to add his name to the growing list of unsatisfied customers.
"I feel like a right bloody chump! I really do!" he shouted.
Why do you feel like a chump, Mr Holler?
"If I think a person is a chump, I'll bloody well call 'em a chump! I can shout louder than anyone on the telly any day of the week. And I only shout when I think someone is acting like a chump! But this flaming company really takes the biscuit! Now it's me who feels like a chump! They've bloody well taken me and my money for a right old ride! And if I could get the lot of 'em in my TV studio they wouldn't stand a bloody chance! I'd shout so loud at them they'd be deaf in minutes!"
And what exactly would you shout at them?
"That's easy! I'd tell 'em I'm successful, off the pop, and - most importantly - I'm not a bloody stupid chump!"
(Jiminy Holler holds up his hands to the camera reveaing eight stumps and two thumbs)
"Look at these hands! Look at 'em! I used to have ten fingers! Now I've got eight knuckles and two thumbs with all the bloody emails I've hammered out!
Take it easy Mr Holler and try to stop shouting. You're likely to bust a blood vessel ---.
Thousands, I mean literally thousands of bloody emails and a phone bill longer than the Great bloody Wall of China! And no answer! No refund! Frig all!
Please refrain from swearing, Mr Holler. This is a family show!
"Good! The bigger the family, the more people will hear me!"
I must ask you not to swear ---
"Piss off, Jeff, and don't interrupt me when I'm hollering! One of the scumbags who works for ST PLC sent me an empty cereal box and had stuck his own label on it! You know what it said?!"
No. What?
"Breakfast Of Chumpions! Chumpions! Can you believe that?! Ha bloody ha! They think I'm a joke!"
What makes you so sure it was an employee of ST PLC, Mr Holler?
"Oh come on, Jeff! It's obvious it had to be some thick chump who'd appeared on my TV show and wanted to get even for being hollered at! So I got my research team to do some digging and we came up with a name. The thick chump had written his address on the back of the parcel!"
We're running out of time, Mr Holler ---
"No wait! Wait, Jeff! Lemme show you something ---!"
---we're almost out of time, Mr Holler ---
"Waaaaiiiiit! It'll only take a sec'! Look at this picture --- !"
--- Really, Mr Holler, we have to wind this up ---
"---Look! Look! See?! This is me before I got involved with Scumbags!
What's your point, Mr Holler?
"I'm coming to that! Look at my picture here! I look like any psychologically well balanced guy who you could trust your kids with and who wouldn't say boo to a goose, right?!"
Well, I suppose ---
"Just your average Jiminy with the haircut of a ten year old, right?"
Can you make your point --- ?
"Then one morning I go into the kitchen for my corn flakes and orange juice and my wife and kids start screaming!"
Why did they do that, Mr Holler?
"Every picture tells a story, Jeff!... Here!... Feast your beady eyes on this and tell me what's wrong with this picture!"
HOLY sh--!
"Eeeeexactly, Jeff! That's what my four year old screamed!
You look awful!
"Scumbags reduced me to that, Jeff! I know I'm no oil painting, but does this look like the face of a psychologically well balanced guy you could trust your kids with and who wouldn't say boo to a goose?!"
Well, it's not exactly a flattering photo, Mr Holler.
"No, it isn't! More like The Portrait Of Dorian Jiminy!...Anyway, to cut a long story sideways, my wife packs the bags, grabs the kids and screams she won't come back 'til I get myself straightened out! ... She meant my ugly mug of course!"
So I gathered.
"Lucky for me I had a counselling and support team at the studio who I employ for straightening out the chump guests who appear! The support team and behavioral psychologists had me fit and back to my old self in next to no time!"
It's been interesting to hear your point of view, Mr Holler, but we must end this interview.
"Thanks, Jeff, for allowing me the opportunity to do what I do best ... holler at people, especially stupid fat chumps! I'd like to shake your hand but it's extremely awkward when you've only got four knuckles and a thumb!"
(Jiminy Holler presses four knuckles and a thumb against his forehead)
"I've had it up to here with Scumbags!"
Any final words before we end this news report, Mr Holler?
"Yes!...I've had plenty of time and experience strengthening my vocal cords by yelling in my TV studio at bloody stupid, fat chumps! I'm going to keep shouting at Toad and his toadies that I'm no chump like the rest of the chumps who they took for a ride! You rip-off merchants have picked on the wrong chump! Not that I'm a chump! Look at me! Do I look stupid?! Do I look like I've got chump written all over me?! You're not going to rubber stamp me the way you have with the rest of the chumps!"
That was Mr Jiminy Holler.
And I'm Jeff Schweffe for Geek...News24.
And now for a more gentle, quieter piece of news ...
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