Joke of the day.

[PC0845]

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that youve had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[PC0845]

What's the difference between a bunker shot in Golf and a blow job ?

With a blow job you don't shout "BITE, you bitch, BITE"

[DJB]

Prayer for 2011

Dear God

My prayer for 2011 is a fat betfair account and a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jibiko]

Dear God

My prayer for 2011 is a fat betfair account and a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess it's my turn then.


Q: How to you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you kill a red elephant?
A: Choke it until it turns blue, then kill it with a blue elephant gun.

[doubleback]

I met two girls down the pub last night with strong cardiff accents.
I said "I know that accent. You two ladys are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," i said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

[jibiko]

[jibiko]

[jibiko]

[jibiko]

[smashieandnicey]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[DJB]

On their 50th wedding anniversary a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired military man, and asked "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear I do, you wore that very same negligee the night we were married."

She said "Yes thats right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said : Oh baby , I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and shag your brains out."

She giggled and said "So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee, what do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said:







"Mission accomplished."

[jibiko]

[DJB]

I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to f**k off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

[smashieandnicey]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night,
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[jibiko]