Joke of the day.

[pelican]

yorkshireman

A bloke from Yorkshire goes into a Jewellers

He says, Can tha mek a gold satue o mi dog?

Jeweller replies Aye, reckon I can

Does tha want it eighteen carat?

The bloke replies

Na ya daft pillock I want it chewin a bone !!!

[TheSurgeon]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[PFY]

A young Indian boy asks the Indian chief, "Grandfather why do all of us Indians have strange names?"

He replies, "Well son in the dawn of the day into which the young were born, the Indian brave will leave his teepee. The first thing he sees will be the name of his young."

"Like your sister, Running Deer, the first thing your father saw was a running deer. And your brother, Flying Eagle, the first thing your father saw was a flying eagle."

"Now do you understand me Two Dogs ****ing?"

[The Geek]

What do you call an Indian karoke singer? Gurupta Singh.

What do you call an Indian Lesbian? Mingita.

What do you call an Arab standing between 2 houses? Ali

What do you call a man with no arms & legs floating in the sea? Bob

What's the difference between a Rubiks cube & an Aussie? A Shelia needs both hands & more than 2 minutes to do a Rubiks cube.

How do you know when your girlfriend has been using your computer? Tipex all over the screen.

What's the difference between a Blonde & a computer? You only need to punch the information into a computer once.

Why did the blonde Americian girl take her dog to a party? She was told to bring her own liquer.

[Boo]

Infamous quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>

[Firkinelle]

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...


One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

[PFY]

Tadger, Adster and Bingo are spending their nugget crew earnings on a holiday in Italy and on their last day, which happens to be a Friday, they visit the Vatican. They walk through the endless halls admiring the artworks, however they make a wrong turning and come across a terrible scene - the Pope is lying dead on the floor. "Don't tell anyone" says one of the flustered cardinals attending to him, "we'll announce it to the world on Monday".

So the 3 mates get on their plane, arrive back home and immediately head to the betting shop and ask what the odds are on the Pope dying on Monday. At a thousand to one they place their bets and agree to meet at the pub on Monday to celebrate.

Sure enough on Monday morning the papers and TV are full of the news of the dead Pontiff, and the lads gather for a celebratory pint. "So how did you go" the Tadger asks Adster. "Great, I put a hundred quid on and now I've got a hundred grand to spend. How about you?" "Yeah great" says the Tadger, "I put a grand on so I'm a millionaire".

They turn to Bingo, who's looking a little glum. "What about you?". "I lost all me money" says Bingo. The others are incredulous. "What happened?"

"I had him on a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury".

[pelican]

health check

had my yearly health check today and the nurse told me i'd have to give up masterbating...when i asked her why she replied "because im trying to f***in' examine you!"

[TheSurgeon]

I arranged an absolutely amazing threesome last night.

Despite a couple of no-shows, I had a good time.

[Boo]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu..............


Ignore it.






It's just Spam.

[jibiko]

[rockaren]

[jibiko]

[jibiko]

[jibiko]